The Million Dollar Question

And here is the million dollar question people:

When you have already found the answer to your question why is it that you continue on this emotional and at times destructive path to find a better, less troublesome, less painful, less leaves a sour taste in your mouth an ache in your chest, less difficult answer?

I find myself on the destructive, beat you down when you're already feet deep in it path and i can't seem to pull myself out of it. Just when i think i have convinced myself of the way out off it, i allow some part of the hopeful in me to lead me back to where i no longer feel safe.

I think i may be waiting for a miraculous sign to lead me.

All the Single Ladies

This is not just the title to Beyonce's song, its reality for me now. After 5 years of "belonging" to something I find myself, single. I feel like I should be mourning the end of my relationship or the loss of my partner and the only way I can describe the way I feel, today, is liberated.
As an attempt to not get my words twisted I should clarify that I adored the person I shared my life with. I feel content with what I contributed to the relationship. I read once that when we die we remember the good in life and that must include the people we meet during our lives that made it "good". I will remember the good, the love, the happiness; that is what it's all about, to hold on to the love and allow that love to transform itself into whatever it will be in the end.
But this is not about him or my relationship. It is about rediscovering myself and searching for what made me happy to be me, single and without being dependant on another to feel successful and complete.

If You Forget Me

If You Forget Me

"I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine."

This is one of my favorite pieces of literature; written by the amazing poet, Pablo Neruda.

We all have love. We all question our love at one point or another. We may even doubt our love; how strong we love, how little we feel loved, how we have lost love and always how we crave love.

"my love feeds on your love"

My question tonight is:

Is it possible to love too much?

I am in love today. I can't say whether this love that I have today will be there months, years from today. So I should hold onto it for as long as I can. I was watching Eat Love Pray (I adore Julia Roberts) and a line she says as she imagines herself dancing to her wedding song to her now ex-husband, and she says to him

"I really did love you"

Her then ex-husbands says

"But i still love you", she replies by telling him

"It won't last. It never lasts"

Part of me believes this. That love does not last. That we can stop being "in" love. The other part of me holds on to the notion that if I really believed this, I would not be able to love as I do today. What i do believe is that Love is never guaranteed. All that is guaranteed is today.

So for today, I am in love.

Simple. My drive to work this morning was simple. While others (the lucky ones who can afford a vacation during the holidays) are enjoying time off from hectic work schedules, I am working and dreading the drive to work which on most occasions is hectic, crowded with drivers who are late for work or just can't drive for shit and then there is me: the never sympathetic for other's driving disabilities....
    Let me clarify what I mean by 'driving disabilities'. It's the driver who is trying to take a drink of their Starbucks Carmel frapp, while taking a bite of their breakfast burrito while applying mascara, or sending and "ohsoimportantcan'twaituntiligettoaredlight" text message.

I must admit I have a bit of what others may call 'road rage' i on the other hand call it "I'm a better driver than you therefore It really pisses me off when you drive like a dumb ass".   

Anyway, I am blabbering now. What I was trying to get at in the first place is that my morning drive was wonderful. The roads were practically empty of stupid drivers rushing to get to work on time. Happy Tuesday!

I mentioned my idea of creating a blog to family and friends and their response to my enthusiasm was "what the hell for".
This made me think about my reasons for my creation. I can definitely use my blog to vent about life's frustrations, disappointments or life in general, but are my readers (if I have any) really interested in one woman's "bitching"?
A blog, in my eyes, is a step up from jotting down my words in a girlish journal kept under lock and key  (reason numero dos).
I only hope to enlighten my readers (or my ego) with the words and thoughts of one woman.
On that note, I believe i may have discovered my true reason for starting a blog. I will share it with you before anyone else. I created a blog because I can.

It's my friday before Friday

The anticipation of being let out of my cubicle (office that at time feels like a cubicle) is killing me! I tell my coworkers to 'not look at the clock' but i find myself staring it down. One hour to go and a long, three day weekend (in observance of Christmas) awaits me.